There’s one TV show that Devi* can never again bring herself to watch. It’s Grey’s Anatomy, because it was on at the time her husband tried to kill her.
Throughout their entire 25 years marriage, he had always been controlling and mentally abusive, never allowing her to be herself and directing every aspect of her life. She tried to leave a number of times but continued to endure by focusing on their two kids and her work. Until the night he came at her with a knife, she didn’t think he’d ever hurt her.
“I always thought I would stay until my kids got older and then I’d find my safe exit out,” says Devi. “I honestly never thought that he would try to kill me.”
In the months leading up to the attack, Devi believes he understood that she had the financial means to leave and had decided he wouldn’t allow it. As a high-level executive, she was the higher income earner in the family.
He stabbed her multiple times with a long, serrated fillet knife before she managed to escape to a neighbour’s house. She suffered a punctured lung and significant tendon damage on both hands, which she had used to protect herself during the attack. It took her four months and many hours of difficult physiotherapy to physically recover from the attack. She now lives with permanent nerve and tendon limitations in both hands and endures pain in them every day; but she remembers that they saved her life.
“I was inches from dying but I was able to fight him off,” says Devi. “So many women don’t leave because they can’t financially afford to. My story was different because money wasn’t an issue. I couldn’t get away from him because he wouldn’t let me go. If I was still in my marriage today, [the isolation caused by] COVID-19 would be the best time of my ex’s life. To be able to lock me in under his supervision.
“Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate, it can happen to anyone. From the outside, people looked at us as the perfect family with two great kids. I’m a successful executive and I lived in a big house, and it happened to me.”
More than 10 years have passed since that terrifying night. Devi still struggles with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) but has also learned just how strong she is. She shares her story today in order to help give strength to others currently in domestic violence situations. She wants to help change the narrative, bring greater awareness to domestic violence and find ways to work with today’s generation of young people to help break the chain of violence.
For women and children living with abuse, these unprecedented times are similar in some ways to when natural disasters occur—the sudden shift in daily routines, the closing of schools and community resources, and the limited access to social support systems often happen after a natural disaster. All have been identified as family violence risk factors. This past spring, the COVID-19 pandemic led to these closures and the uncertainty, anxiety, and instability, coupled with external stressors such as job losses and financial stress, has led to an increase in domestic violence in Canada and around the world. Globally, it’s believed that the three-month COVID-19 shutdown in the spring led to a 20% increase in domestic violence.
With the second wave of the virus now hitting Toronto and other hotspots around the country, and new lockdowns in effect, this is far from over.
At Nellie’s shelter, we continue to welcome women and their children impacted by abuse, trauma and homeless. We are so much more than a bed, we’re also a place they can turn to for services and support. We stand alongside them as they navigate the legal system, immigration services, social services, child protection services, health care, and more. In order to protect the women and children at our shelter, as well as our dedicated staff, everyone is expected to follow all social distancing protocols.
“We worry that some women are staying in a bad situation because they think they have no choice. It’s very important to stress that, despite the pandemic, we continue to welcome women and their children,” says Jyoti Singh, Nellie’s Executive Director. “To everyone in our community, I say ‘look out for your neighbours.’ Abuse can take many different forms and just checking in on your neighbours during this time of social isolation to make sure they’re okay can go a long way.”
*Name changed to protect privacy
